INSIGHTS: If we are serious about ending male violence against women, we must abandon the term “Intimate Partner Violence”

By Guest Opinion

The most dangerous place for women is in their home. Unfortunately, few men are convicted of violent crimes against women. 

Imagine being in a marriage that is the envy of your family and friends. In public, your banter is natural and his jokes always land. 

Then the door closes. His bad day at work is your fault. Your beautiful house isn’t clean enough. You aren’t well-enough dressed. Dinner tastes bland. He calls for a beer like you’re his bartender.

He wants sex but you simply can’t do it. “The hell you can’t,” he says, landing a slap to your face. His hands snake around your throat as he pushes you into in the bedroom. Shrunken, you know your small cash allowance and the freedom to leave your home to spend it depends on your obedience. 

You are sore, humiliated and fear for your life. Most importantly, you fear for the lives of your kids. Bruises are hidden by makeup and long-sleeve shirts, but the sound of his car arriving in the driveway can’t be ignored. 

One day a neighbour asks about your bruises. After years of being assaulted, raped, and tortured you crack and let it all out. 

The neighbour looks you in the eye and says “Let me help you get out.”

“King of the Castle” 

I’ve helped thousands of women and girls who were victims of male violence. I know the archetype of an abusive man.

Abusive men thrive on the harm they inflict on their female partners. They develop a “King of the Castle” mentality, seeking ultimate control over her actions.

When children are involved, controlling men may prohibit their partner from showing affection towards them. Children are physically and emotionally abused too, as mothers are forced to watch. Children’ s lives are often threatened, one of the most powerful ways to make a woman comply. 

Most women never involve police. Those who do have told me detectives asked them:

“Why didn’t you leave sooner?

“Why didn’t you report him earlier?”

“Why didn’t you tell your family?”

“Your friends didn’t see anything wrong?”

“He doesn’t have a police record.”

To the women I talk to, these phrases hit nearly as hard as their abuser. And for women who lay charges, and very few do, they have an even rougher road to travel.

Abusive men show up in court dressed to the nines. They present character witnesses that portray them as shining stars. They appear unimpugnable. 

I have seen women who bravely speak their truth in court.  Telling of the violence and torture she endured, a woman in the witness box is forced to relive the horror. They are bombarded with questions, cut off, and humiliated by aggressive lawyers. The constraints placed on them by their abusers, like not being allowed to work, are weaponized to make them look lazy. Children are held hostage as custody battles are used to suppress women further.

But if that sounds intolerable, women then endure a wait to hear the Court’s life-or-death decision: the verdict. Her life and the lives of her children, may hang in the balance.

And then, imagine the worst of it all: 

Sitting in a courtroom, the judge says “That’s an incredible story.” 

She thinks he might understand. 

The judge continues, “It’s so incredible that it just isn’t believable.”

And that’s it. He’s free. He hugs his family and friends. 

And I watch her. I know how she feels, because I’ve seen it so many times before. Her children are her first thought. She feels panic. She can’t breathe. Her eyes, and mine, fill with tears.

“Where do I go from here?” she asks me. I am silent. I don’t have an answer. There is no place to go.

 “A child has no trouble believing the unbelievable, nor does the genius or the madman. It’s only you and I, with our big brains and our tiny hearts, who doubt and overthink and hesitate.”

~ Steven Pressfield 

Troubling Numbers

Male violence against women is not an isolated incident. It’s rampant and it impacts all of society. Data from the Investigative Journalism Bureau, and the Canadian Femicide Observatory for Justice and Accountability suggest femicide occurs every other day in Canada. 

Canada’s femicide crisis requires an “all hands on deck” response.

Many of the women and girls I helped over the years were able to safely exit the violence they faced daily. However, many more were killed.

The woman I described was not lucky. She lost everything because a judge refused to believe that heinous acts of violence against women existed.

Mislabelling of Gender and Power Imbalance

The current language used to describe femicide and male violence against women and girls obscures women’s experiences and the public’s understanding of the crimes they endure.  

The term “Intimate Partner Violence (or IPV)” is agnostic to the overwhelming imbalance between women victims and their male abusers. While it may work for professionals looking for short forms, it doesn’t resonate for women who often wonder what it means. 

We need to abandon the term and label this social emergency precisely, with clear language: male violence against women.

Using terms other than male violence against women blur the reality of who is harmed and who is doing the harming. Whether victims of non-State torture, prostitution, trafficking, sexualized violence, strangulation or suffocation, women and girls are overwhelmingly violated and killed by men because they are female.

By labelling the gender and power imbalance, we stand a chance of changing how the justice system speaks about, and to, women who are victims of male violence, and the controlling men who manipulate their way to an unjust freedom. 

“Because it is so unbelievable, the truth often escapes being known.” 

~ Heraclitus